I know that we have all been there, “when is it going to be my turn?” Do you remember having that moment when you feel like there has to be something more? I have those feelings every so often and I sometimes find myself getting upset about them. Most of the time the feelings come when I am thinking about where I am financially, relationship wise, educationally, etc. I have had a lot of odds stacked against me and I have pulled through and persevered, but now it seems like I keep having these feelings of not being where I feel like I should be and have me questioning or second guessing. I know that I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning, heck, I was a teenager looking for something…anything and was willing to listen or believe whatever sounded good at the time.
Fasting forwarding…I graduated high school, went on to college (changed my major a time or two; I wanted to be a doctor at first), met some interesting people, you know, the whole bit. I didn’t do like some of the other girls and was on the lookout for a husband (maybe I should have been). No, instead I was the studious girl that had her head in the books, while trying to maintain a half-ass relationship that I was currently in. I was a firm believer in being with the guy that had fathered my kids, at all costs. Well, needless to say that relationship did not progress although I did excel in school and after a few setbacks I graduated with my bachelors degree….yay me!!!
I continued on moving where I like to think was forward. I had ended up in another relationship with a guy whom seemed like he was a great person. I tell you, it is necessary to pay attention to all the signs that you are shown, don’t take them for granted and please do not just brush them off. I didn’t understand that notion. We all have heard of intuition, trusting your gut, and later on discernment. Well, needless to say, I had these feelings and visions, that is how I found out about my kids father and the things that he would do and lie about…I digress. Any who, he became the man of the house, the guy that my kids looked up to and a helpmate, somewhat. Things went along okay, his family wasn’t to fond of me, but hey, I wasn’t in a relationship with them, now was I.
Years went on, I started working at a headstart center and was a little content although I know that I was worth more, my little family thrived. Then I got excepted into grad school, you see the degree that I had obtained, it was necessary for me to go back and get an advanced degree to be able to do all the things that I had wanted to do; you know like helping people, saving the world one person at a time, yeah, that type of stuff. Well, I felt like I was getting burned on on going to school, so I bulked up my classes and actually finished school almost a year earlier than anticipated. All the while, I was working a full time industrial job (manual labor, I tell ya). In the meantime, while finishing my studies my aunt was killed. I was stressed that trimester and it was one of my most hectic trimesters. I was taking 15 graduate hours, doing an internship and a practicum, yeah, all that. Needless to say, I pressed on.
I looked for more rewarding work, while continuing my education, only to hear, wait until you get your degree. Then when I got my degree, I heard, you need more experience. I applied for another internship only to hear, well, we are not looking for anybody right now. Oh, I was offered a position to work on getting my supervision hours, but only if I paid for it O_0, my sentiments exactly.
Fast forwarding again, I stayed at my industrial job a while longer, hey it was paying the bills and allowing me to do some of the things that I enjoyed doing, like travelling. Well, after that, I had a big shocker, I was pregnant, oh, hecky naw, is what came out, but what I was thinking was a totally different thing. I went back and forth about the pregnancy, not sure of what I wanted to do…my kids were older, what was I going to do with another baby (cry, that is what). I ended up having to be off from work, since that pregnancy was considered high risk and the type of work I did may have been detrimental to the baby and my health. Okay, here I am, pregnant, can’t work and on top of that, the baby’s dad was being ignorant. I tried to talk to him about options concerning the baby, but he wasn’t trying to hear them. That is funny because who ends up having to take care of a child if and when the father decides that he is done playing house…anyone (bells ring), correct, it is the mother. I was not financially ready to take on another person. Well, this did not matter to anybody else whom felt like they were more equipped to make decisions about my body and my life than I was.
Fast forwarding, again…well, I ended up with a decent job after having my little one and the plus to it was that I was able to take her to work with me. I loved my job and most of the people that I worked with. I settled quite nice into the job until somebody felt like I didn’t deserve that particular job and my life became like a roller coaster ride. My worst fears were becoming a reality. I got laid off from my job, my child’s father decided that he didn’t want to play house anymore, I just wanted to ball up and cry until everything blew over, but that is not what I did. I packed my bags and headed to Texas to see about making a better life for my kids and I. Well, I ended right back up in the city that I lived. I applied for job after job, willing to travel darn near anywhere for an interview for that perfect start of a career. I kept getting the door closed, so I started contracting work, since I do research and proposals. It has worked for me, but the flow was not very consistent and I need something consistent.
Lately, I have been looking for more and more projects to work on, while maintaining a roof over my kids heads, with little to no help from their biological input. It is funny how they tend to go on with their lives without thinking about the kids that they left behind and the mothers that have to continue to pick up the pieces. What else gets me, is this other females that condone them not taking care of their kids as long as her kids are taken care of. I can go on and on about that but I will save that for another time.
Well, I am there again, pondering and wondering, is it something that I have done in a former life that causes me to be in the situation that I am in. Am I not good enough…yes I am good enough, so why am I here; have I not been obedient, have I not tried to stay on the right path and do things that are right? I have had the questions rolling around in my head only to come back to, everything happens for a reason and everything has it’s season. I have heard this all too many times and find myself in situations that are less than ideal. Wait, I am single mom, with three beautiful, intelligent, and sometimes quirky kids…I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I am here today, with all my needs met. I am selfish at times and want what I want, but I also have to humble myself and remember that GOD has continued to bless me through it all. I may not have that dream career just yet, or even a husband, but I do have what I need to continue to press on and keep working on me.
Until next time!!!