As I was thinking of some things and going over some of the things that I have experienced or endured, tears were brought to my eyes. I may not feel like I am where I am suppose to be and I have not always thought that I was good enough, beautiful enough, or just plain not enough. This is not because it was innate in me, this came about from being told these things or made to feel like this was so.
As a little girl, I was darker than the rest of my siblings, but I seemed to be happy when looking back at old pictures. And I am quite sure, that I may have been at one point in my early childhood, but as with most things the darkness does show itself.
I remember being called names, not only by others, but by my sisters and other family members. I was called “blacky”, “tar baby”, etc. They call it sibling rivalry, but it seemed that it is always harsher when it came from those who are suppose to love you no matter what. Then to be told that nobody would like me or love me for that matter; it seemed like after then I was always looking for love in other places. I was quiet, reserved and became kind of like an introvert and anybody that knows me now, would not believe that I was that way. I found solace in reading, writing, and in my imagination. I was consumed with information, but also the wanting to find something that I felt I did not possess…Love. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my family loved me, but at times I felt that I lacked something.
I remember the first boy who told me that I was pretty…it was in third grade and his name was Warren. I didn’t like him very much, but after he made the declaration that I was pretty and that I was going to be his girl, other boys started to take notice. It was kind of funny, and thinking back on it, I still laugh. I didn’t dress like most girls to get attention. I did just the opposite. I was a little tomboy and I hung around with the guys, playing sports and guy stuff. Most of the girls didn’t care for me because, I was known to hangout with the cool guys because of my love for sports. Still to this day, I possess the quality of having a love for the game and have guy friends that appreciate that, but that is another post.
Years past and I grew into a young lady, but it seemed at every turn, there was this thought that I was not pretty enough or good enough for someone to love and cherish. I became a mom at an early age and stayed in a verbally abusive relationship because he made sure to tell me that nobody else was going to love me or want to stay around, since I had kids. At one point, it didn’t matter because I wanted to raise my kids with their father and pushed it to the limit; trying to keep it together in spite of all the things he had done and continued to do. This is because I thought this was love and in a sense, it was what I knew.
How I got to be with, what seemed to be my knight in shiny armor, was that he paid attention to me, game me compliments and seemed like he took an interest in me. Now, granted, I became sexually active way before I needed to, but I was told that this was a way to please and keep a man. Although he was far from being a man or even all mine, for that matter, he was what I knew.
We were on again and off again, but the funny thing is that I pushed for us to remain friends on our off times. After awhile, he started saying mean things and putting me down and I guess this was a means of controlling me or trying to make sure that I was not going to go be with someone else. Needless to say that it worked for awhile. He told me where I could go, what I could wear, and who I could talk to. He was almost 4 years older that I, and I did what he said. I didn’t really have any good idea of how relationship worked because it was not taught or shown in previous years. I was told that regardless of anything, you work it out and stay.
Yeah, stay in a situation where you are made to feel less that what you really are. The things that I have endured have shaped my views on how I see myself and how I think others see me. I was a small petite young lady back in the days. I hear that I was a brick house back then, but I didn’t feel like it. I asked, why didn’t they tell me that back then, when I was finding my identity. I was beautiful, but I didn’t think I was. I didn’t feel beautiful or think that I was fine. I wore clothes to hide my shape because I felt like I was fat and out of shape. I didn’t wear make-up because I was told that it made me look like a streetwalker. I didn’t wear a lot of jewelry because I was told that I was trying to draw too much attention and it would be the wrong attention. I just didn’t know what to do or think.
It has taken me years to appreciate the beauty that I possess. I recently started wearing my hair natural and boy, you should hear some of the questions that I have gotten or even the flack. “What made you do that?”, “You think that you are going to look good with your hair like that?”, “Why would you want to let all that pretty hair go?”. It was ridiculous and regardless of the naysayers, I continued on. Some people think that I am going through a phase, including my own mother. To tell truth, I never really wanted chemicals in my head to begin with. It was to make it easier on her, since she had three heads to do.
To be continued…
Simply K LoveRead More
I have been away for awhile. Sometimes you have to take a step back, assess some things, come up with new plans and even start in a new direction. That is what is so interesting about life; you just never know what will be thrown your way.
The beauty of it is that you have the choice in how you react and how you are able to change that into something positive, in every way. I have contemplated on building. Building what, you ask? Well, that is a good question and one that I have pondered on myself.
You see, when there comes a point in your life that you feel like changes need to be made, but you don’t really know where to start. Yeah…that point, you know exactly what I am speaking of because we have all been there a time or two or three. Well, this is just like a clean slate. There is really no need to fret. Take some time, breathe and envision what it is that you should be doing; the thing that makes your heart smile and brings you the most joy. It might take some time, especially if you have been accustomed to doing things that makes others happy.Read More
Okay, my last post has been over months ago, but it has not been because I don’t enjoy writing. Actually that is far from the truth. I have been writing, just on other subjects and projects. It seems that life is happening again, where I am at a point of not really balancing things as well as planned. Well, this is kind of the norm for me these days. I sit and pray about where the next project is going to come from, where is the next payment going to pop up at, when will start bringing in more, etc. You get the point. Then I put things on the backburner because I have not been able to concentrate, well everything besides church and teaching my little one. It has been an adventurous few months with the homeschooling thing, but we are making progress.
Anywho, through all the wondering, I have had to have faith that all things are going to work out for my good. Sometimes you really don’t understand what it is to have faith until you have to activate it. Funny thing is that it seems like all hell will break loose before you actually utilize your faith. We will try everything else before we place our faith in something that is not tangible, all because we can’t see it, touch it, grab it, hold it, etc. Then when it is all said and done, we fall; well, some of us, and realize that we have tried everything in our power to get it right, to make it work…huh, how did you end up in this predicament in the first place??? Ahh, yes, you got it…YOU!!! Oh, my bad, I wasn’t suppose to point that out. Well, since the cat is out of the bag, let’s just own it!!!
I have been there, heck, I am still kind of there. I am not where I want to be, don’t feel like I am where I am suppose to be, but there is this little inkling that is at the heart of me that says that maybe I am where I need to be at this point. Then, of course, I cry and pray because I don’t understand the Why? Maybe because I am gauging everything by man’s standard and others point of view and have not taken time to pay attention to the lessons. There are lessons in everything that we go through and as stated on a great movie, “Either you run from it, or you learn from it!!!” Honestly the choice is yours. Which do you choose???
Stay sassy and sweet…Until next time!!!
Simply Single, signing off!!!Read More
What is Beauty? Well, I will give you the textbook dictionary definition
So now that we have a textbook definition of what beauty is? Does this sum up what beauty is to everyone? Is this a all-in-one, no exceptions fit? We have all heard quotes about what beauty is, here is one: “Beauty is only skin deep. If you go after someone just because she’s beautiful but don’t have anything to talk about, it’s going to get boring fast. You want to look beyond the surface and see if you can have fun or if you have anything in common with this person.”
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_beauty.html#ZhRq6zCceHkWIaVr.99
I have read more and seen more quotes that may be a little more befitting to what is beauty. Society has blinded us to think of beauty as only the outward appearance, to have shallow expectations of beauty, when in all actuality beauty goes way beneath the surface. Most think that a pretty face and nice figure makes one possess this attribute, which is not always the case. You can have a pretty shell and nothing worth value stored in it. Does that still constitute as resembling beauty? Ahh, it is something nice to look at, but it lacks sustenance.
Don’t get me wrong, we see first with our eyes and we are drawn to things which are pleasing to the sight. But have you ever wanted something so bad based on appearance and once you were able to obtain, wish that you would have just left it where it was…yeah, me either. Which leads me to a point, “All things that look good aren’t good for you!!!”
You know that you have heard your mother or grandmother telling you this, lol!!! And you think to yourself, “What do they know?” When it is all said and done, sometimes you may have wished that you heeded that warning. Some seasoned people speak on issues that they themselves have encountered; it is not to lead you to a life of loneliness and that they don’t want to see you happy, that is usually your pretend friends (foes, that is a whole other topic). It is usually the opposite. You don’t understand that some people enjoy seeing “young love”, as they call it because it reminds them of how it use to be and sometimes rekindle that old feeling, lol.
Any who, I was about to get off on a whole other spill, but I digress. There are many misconceptions about beauty. The sad thing is that a lot of times, we as individuals look to others to validate if we possess it. Some of us do all kind of things to capture it only for it to continue to elude us.
What does beauty mean to you?
Stay sassy and sweet. Until next time 😉
Have you ever gotten to a point where, everything may not be as you thought, but it was okay. The place where you learn to live in the moment no matter what! The place where you feel like you have been through so much and endured it all. A place that has now become a place of serenity, a place where you have not just learned to cope or just deal. You find yourself in a state of peace. Is this really how this suppose to feel?, you tend to ask yourself. It is almost like after all the hell that you have gone through, you are at a place that makes it all seem worth it. Yes, been there!
Then one day, in a matter of moments, you find yourself in another state of hell. You are looking like, what in the heaven’s is going on?. You find yourself back in a state of disarray, in a world of chaos. How did it all go from being good to feeling like the whole world is crashing down? The bad part is that even though it came out of left field, and it happened at one of the worst times, you think to yourself that it was bound to happen (this is of course after you have calmed down and talked out of going postal, lol). You see I have come to the realization that some times bad things happen to good people and then there are those whom help it along.
Everybody has a past, some good, some bad. We have all done things that we may be less than pleased to admit and sometimes wish that we could bury it and move on. The thing about it is that at some point, it tends to resurface. There are people whose sole purpose is to make sure you don’t forget. This is a sad notion that people get off on trying to make others miserable. What is the saying “misery loves company”. This is so true. If a person feels that things are going well for you and they can’t seem to get a rise out of you because they want to somehow be a factor in your life, they will tend to do something negative or to ruffle your feathers. The way you handle the situation could even make it worse. If you tend to move as if it doesn’t bother you, oh, watch out b/c they are going to try and hit you with everything that they got.
I have seen it happen all because a person felt like they couldn’t win an argument, they took it to a whole other level, even though in the end it is going to cost them a whole lot more than they bargained for. Especially when they find out one of their reasons to do the thing that they have done is going to back fire. I shake my head at this, but it is a lesson to both parties; don’t let some one catch you slipping and for the other party, make sure you show up with the right ammunition, lol.
There is a saying that prayer changes things. Some times it takes a little longer than one would hope for, but in the end however it needs to be handled, it shall. To those who are fighting their ghosts with natural weapons, although it may seem a little far fetched, put those weapons down because you are fighting your battle that is not yours to fight. It takes more energy to try and hide the truth than to uncover a lie. With that being said, if the ghosts of your past come back, invite them in uncover the truth about the situation by being truthful with yourself. Don’t let it consume your present and don’t let it dictate your future. Once you have faced it head on and made peace with it, don’t let anyone try to hold it over your head. Remember, you are not the same person that you were back then. How do I know? Because if you were, this would be a whole different story. Continue living your life, roll with the punches, dust yourself off and relish in the victory that is soon to come your way!!!
Stay sassy, sexy, and sweet!!! Until next time!!!
Simply SingleRead More
Now before you all go on thinking that I am a home wrecker, let me let you all know that it is not that type of party. I don’t like the idea of being the other woman or anything associated with that, but sometimes you end up in situations because some one was not truthful. Well, that is sort of the case, but not the case.
I was out a couple of weeks ago with a friend, having fun and just enjoying spending time with my girl because with our schedules (hers is really hectic), we don’t get to see other that much. We use to work together and she is my daughter’s godmother. But for the last couple of years, we rarely get to see each other and get the girls together (our daughters). But when we do, we make the most of it, LOL.
Well, while we we were out enjoying ourselves I ended up noticing some one from my past; tall, medium build, caramel completion, with dimples, with the body of a god…SEXY FINE, LOL!!! I tried to hide but he spotted me. I was like “shoot, my night would have been great if I had not seen him”, but uh, it was too late. Our eyes met and it was like the being of something. Before I get to the next part, let me give a little background information on how this topic came about.
Any who, how this situation came about was, my friend and I would make fun of the fact that her husband took both of us out last year to a ball. We laugh about it because I said that I was their date and she says it was more like I was her date and her husband was our escort, LOL. Well, while attending the event, I saw Mr. Sexy Fine and we exchanged glances and even spoke, but after that I did my best to avoid him. I had found out that he was married and although we had history, I just didn’t want to find myself going back down memory lane…well, it was too late for that. The mere sight of this man brought back memories, all pleasant, I may add. I could remember the way he felt, smelled and even spoke; remembering his mellow voice whispering in my ear the last time we were together. This was all too much for me, but I did my best to keep it together and maintain. And surprisingly, I was successful. After that night, I did not really think of him; out of sight out of mind.
Fast forwarding back to this year, the sight of this man brought back those feelings yet again. I tried my best to avoid him and was successful until he caught me off guard. He came up behind me and slid his arms around my waist and whispered in my ear. I almost fainted, and I guess that gave him the answer that he sought. Last year, he may have questioned if I remembered our history, that night he knew that I did.
For most of the evening, I could feel his eyes on me. The way that he looked at me sent chills up my spine and put a smile on my face. Why? You would have to know our history to understand that ( Jon B. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwZ9W5RC_NU). It was like he followed my every move. My friend noticed this, as well, and I am thinking that if she sensed it, so did others. Well, this did not matter to Mr. Sexy Fine because he made sure to speak every chance he got. I was like, “Wow, really”!!!
Then it came to the point were he caught me off guard again. This time we had a brief conversation. He asked how I had been and of course I gave him the “Everything has been great”, with the head nod. Then he asked about the children; we have know each other since we were young and he had been around when I had my first two. I explained that they were doing well. Then, of course, came the question of my marital status, as he looked me over and didn’t notice a ring on my finger. I gave him the “No, I am not married.” Then he hit me with “Why?” I did not want to get into that conversation so I gave him a lame excuse and attempted to walk away. He followed close behind and gently grabbed my hand to stop me, walked a little past me and when I tried to walk past him, it happened. Yep, you guessed it, out of the blue he kissed me. Now if you think that I almost fainted earlier, think of what I did when this happened!!! After coming to my senses, I tried to get away because I just did not want to go there. He caught me and asked me questions and reminded me of things. I just couldn’t stand there any longer and I turned and walked away. He called to me, I stopped, he said something that almost had me in tears; I started running (in heels I may add). I didn’t want to turn to face him, I couldn’t face him. I got in the car and had to calm myself down. To think that this man still had this kind of effect on me, kind of bothered me and I just needed to get away quick.
Now, I like to joke around with my friend about her husband being our husband, LOL, but this situation right here did something to me. I don’t tend to play with things of this nature because I wouldn’t want another woman after my husband. And this situation had my friend questioning if all men acted this way. I had to explain that it’s not the case, but some guys tend to want to play games to see what they can get away with. Now don’t get me wrong, although it was not appropriate, Mr. Sexy Fine did not go on about how wrong things were and the whole spill that some guys do to and neither did I do the “Aww, I know that I can treat you better”. It was merely a moment in time, he said what he said to me years ago before he was ever married, to confirm what I didn’t believe was real…then. I know that most of us have heard the song by Heather Headley (http://youtu.be/8XBMU9XkLLw), well, this is what some people may attribute things like this to, but that is neither the case. We had what we had, more or less it is like the song by Adele “Someone Like You”. This man is fine but he is taken and I respect that.
Stay sassy and sweet, until next time!!!
Simply SingleRead More
As I have sat in the comforts of my sister’s home, I had begun to feel a little emotional. Yeah, you can say that I am an emotional person. I started thinking back when we were young, without care in the world, what family meant. Now, we didn’t come from a family that had a wealth of money, but we did share in a wealth of love. Don’t get me wrong, we had some disagreements, and spats…who the heck am I kidding. We had some knock down, drag outs, but we would always end on a good note…well, most of the time.
The funny thing is that I remember how close my mom and her siblings seemed to be. I said seemed because sometimes everything is not as it seems. We would go to my aunt’s house because she was the cooker in the family when we went home (home-term used to signify place of origin or original hometown; a place where your heart resides). We would play games, eat, and drink (sodas, tea and water, LOL). We just had a good time, until some one decided that they have to get something off there chest because they had too much truth serum. Then the festivities would begin. It would start out as a ‘who did what’, ‘who fault was what’…then it would escalate into a shouting match. It was never a dull moment. After awhile, we would go back to cooking, eating and playing cards or dominoes. The thing is we were back cool before the end of the day.
Every since my grandmother passed, it has been a task to get everybody on the same accord. The tradition was for us all to be at grandma’s house for the holidays, especially Christmas. I can’t think of a Christmas that I missed at grandma’s house for any reason. Well, it was decided that the task of hosting Christmas would fall on the eldest child, which happens to be my mom. Her sister ended up hosting the first Christmas after laying my grandmother to rest. But of course, after that first year, we couldn’t get a consensus. So the grandchildren took it upon themselves to try and make things happen. My brother is the eldest grandchild so the responsibility was suppose to fall on him, but he just couldn’t get right.
After a few disappointments, we just would end up travelling to Texas to see my sister. I remember spending the next Christmas at home because I had just had a baby. Yeah, lost a member and gained two members within one year. Grandmother would have questioned the reasoning behind the new additions, but she would do like she always did, welcome them with open arms, LOL. She stated before she passed that our family was getting to big and if we kept on we would have to build onto the family house to make room. It was funny that she would say that to me because at that point, I wasn’t planning on having any more children. I had two and that was good enough for me.
Now, the ironic thing about it, is that my cousin was already pregnant with her first baby, which was bringing in a new addition. Then the next year, my baby sister had another baby, 7 months after that I gave birth to a bundle of joy. I guess that wasn’t enough because my brother’s girlfriend had a baby and just a little over a month after that, my oldest sister had a baby. Yeah, it was crazy. I guess grandma must have sensed something way before we could. It is was just sad that she didn’t have much more time with us.
We don’t choose the family that we are born into but it is a choice on how we react within that family. I feel like I have been to hell and back with my family. I have had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs it would seem. I have pictured my life without the people in my family and replaced them with others; yeah, don’t act like I am the only one that has done it. We all have things that we wish we could change about our families and some just simply want to change families. But, then you realize that you may not be the person you are if you had not had those people or if you had not went through some of the things that you did. Now, don’t get me wrong and read too much into it. Some people tend to cast blame on others for their actions, when it was them that did it. But all in all, our family is said to be an extension of us and some feel that our families define us. Whatever your take on it, is just that.
My family, as dysfunctional as they are, we still tend to find joy in the moments that we share; even if it is after we have tried to strangle one another; that is one of the high points *get crazy stares* Oh, my bad, that may just be in my family. Any who, you can add multiple people to your life, but they will never be like your family *fingers crossed*. So, although you are having some rough patches with those people that you are related to by blood, give them a chance, remember GOD hasn’t given up on you!!!
Stay sassy and sweet, until next time!!!
Simply SingleRead More